


Letters

by archangelithuriel



Series: Painting Butterflies [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-04-21 17:26:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14289768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/archangelithuriel/pseuds/archangelithuriel
Summary: Every night for the past year, Jeno has written a letter. And every night he burns it, watching the wind carry away the ashes of all his feelings.





	1. September 4th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There's a new student, as well. Apparently he just moved here. I wasn't really paying attention, to be honest."

Hey again.

School started up today. It was alright, I guess. It's weird not having Mark around anymore, but the college he's going to isn't that far away so we can still see him on weekends. Jaemin's finally off of medical, so he's back in school this year. I have a few classes with him. I was scared it'd be weird talking to him again after so long, but everything just kinda fell back into place. I guess that's the same kind of feeling you talked about before. We have a new music teacher now. He's kinda weird, but he seems nice enough so far. All of my teachers actually seem pretty okay this year. They've been cracking down on the teachers' behavior towards students lately. I guess it's working. It's kinda weird, honestly, but I guess it's good that they're trying to make things better than they have been. Jaemin spent all day trying to talk me into joining the dance team again. He's still not allowed to join because of his injury, but he thinks it'd be good for me to get back into it. He even texted Mark about it and of course Mark agrees with him. Maybe they're right though. I don't know. Jaemin says that if I join and don't like it then I can just quit, but that if I wait and then decide I want to join later I won't be able to. He's right about that, I guess. I just don't know. I still like dancing, I'm just... not sure I really want to be on the team again. But I guess there's no harm in trying. Like Jaemin said, I can always quit if things don't go well. You probably want me to join, right? I don't know. Maybe I should. Maybe I shouldn't. It still hurts to think about. Maybe I'm just overthinking things again. Tryouts are next week, so I still have a little time to make up my mind. 

Oh, our teacher isn't the only thing that's new about our music class. There's a new student, as well. Apparently he just moved here. I wasn't really paying attention, to be honest. We're in the same classroom that we were in for freshman year. It's weird seeing it again now. There are more students in the program than ever, but somehow the room still feels empty without you in it. I miss you. Everything still feels so surreal. I keep turning around and expecting to see you. I keep expecting to hear you call my name while I'm walking through the hallway. To be honest, none of it feels real. It's been a year and I still feel like I'm going to wake up in the morning and this will all just have been a weird, freaky nightmare. Mr. Kim says that's normal in "these cases". You wouldn't believe how mad it makes me when he talks about it like that. When he talks about you like that. Or maybe you would believe it. Nothing I did ever surprised you. "These cases". It makes me feel like some kind of science experiment. Like a statistic. It's infuriating. I'm not sure why I'm still seeing him. Maybe I'd be better off if I wasn't. All he does now is piss me off. But it makes everyone feel better to say that I'm seeing a therapist, so I guess I'll keep going. He doesn't even remember your name. He's getting paid a ridiculous amount of money for weekly sessions and he can't even be bothered to remember your name. How rude is that? He doesn't even bother to pretend to care anymore unless he's in front of my parents. Oh my god you should hear the bullshit that comes out of his mouth whenever he talks to them. It's honestly just funny at this point.

Nothing else really happened today. Dad is "working late" again. Mom still doesn't know how to act around me. She's worried about Dad, not that she'll admit that. She thinks that he's having an affair. She's probably right. Whatever he's doing, it's not good. People don't come home from working late smelling like alcohol and expensive perfume. I don't think she knows about that. She's always asleep when he gets back. He probably plans it that way. Maybe I should tell her. Is it weird that I can't bring myself to care? Nothing really seems to matter to me anymore. It's a little better than it was before, though.

I guess that's all I have to say tonight. How are you doing? Did you have a good day? Are you happy? I hope you are. You deserve to be happy. I miss you. I want to come see you. But you probably wouldn't want that so I guess I'll stay here. For a little while longer at least.

Goodnight, my angel.

\- Jeno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy am I anxious about posting this story. Sad stories aren't really my thing but I had this idea the other day and I just went with it and here we are. It's been so long since I posted anything, I forgot how nervous I get ^^"
> 
> I don't know yet how often I'll be updating, since my schedule is kinda weird right now, but I will definitely finish this so please be patient with me.
> 
> Comments are greatly appreciated! Thank you for reading~


	2. September 5th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The guy seems nice enough, I guess. He's kinda cute."

Hey again.

When did I end up starting all my letters like that? I don't remember. I hope you don't mind. I'm not really sure how else to start them anymore.

I saw Chenle today. He's so much taller now, it's almost scary. I wonder if he'd be taller than you? He's got a new friend, apparently. A freshman named Jisung. We didn't get to talk for long, but we made plans to hang out this weekend. The whole gang is gonna be there. Well, everyone except you of course. This will be the first time since then that we've all hung out together. I'm honestly a little scared. I know it's stupid to worry about it, but I can't help it.

The teachers are all still tiptoeing around me. They're doing it to Jaemin, too, but not as much. I wonder if they're doing it to Chenle, too. They probably are. I wish they wouldn't. I mean I get where they're coming from but I just... I just want things to go back to normal. Or at least, as normal as it can get now. The more they treat me like I'm some kind of fragile piece of glass, the more I feel like I'm gonna break. I hate it. I don't need them to baby me.

We got our partners in music today. I'm working with that new kid I told you about. I still don't know his name. I should probably ask. God that'd be awkward though. He even introduced himself to me directly today when we sat next to each other and I still wasn't paying attention. Maybe Jaemin knows what his name is. I'll text him. The guy seems nice enough, I guess. He's kinda cute. I guess I should probably pay a little more attention to him if we're gonna be working together all year. We're getting our first project at the end of the week so I'd better at least know his name by then or it's gonna get really awkward.

Dad actually came home on time today. He's talking to Mom in the kitchen about something, but I don't know what cause he told me to go to my room as soon as he got home. It sounded like they were arguing. I guess I should've expected that. I didn't end up telling Mom about him coming home drunk. I still don't know whether I should or not. At this point it might not even matter whether I do or not. 

So that's been my day. How was yours? I hope it was good. Can you see me from where you are up there? Are you watching me? I wonder sometimes. God I miss you so much. I hope that you're happier now. Telling myself that you are is the only way that I know how to cope. 

Oh! Jaemin just texted me back. He says the new kid's name is Donghyuck. At least I can save myself the embarrassment of that conversation tomorrow.

Well, I guess that's everything. Goodnight my angel. 

\- Jeno


	3. September 6th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I mean, that was after I got his text but he doesn't need to know that."

Hey again. 

Dad was gone this morning when I woke up. He still isn't back. Mom hasn't said anything about it. She hasn't actually said anything at all. It's really weird. There's a part of me that's freaking out but... there's another part of me that doesn't really care. It's a weird feeling. I know I should care. I know this should bother me. I know I should feel angry, or upset, or scared, or something. I just don't. The only thing I really feel is tired. 

Nothing really interesting happened in school. Some girl tried to kiss Jaemin before our first class. I guess she wanted to ask him out? He rejected her, though. And by "rejected her" I mean he pushed her off of himself, said "it's too early for this bullshit", and walked into the classroom. I feel kinda bad for laughing, but honestly it was really funny. Who asks out someone they don't know by just randomly kissing them on the lips anyway? There has to be a better way to tell someone you have feelings for them. Like maybe, I don’t know, just telling someone that you have feelings for them. There was a fight during lunch. What the hell are people fighting about on the third day? Jaemin and I were making bets on what it might've been about. He says it was about a girl, I say it was just two idiots trying to look tough. What do you think it was about? I never thought one of the things I'd miss most about you would be your crazy theories about why people do things. But then again, I miss everything about you so I guess it shouldn't be too surprising. 

I actually talked to Donghyuck in class today. He seems pretty cool. He's really funny and sarcastic. He's got a really nice singing voice, too. It's pretty distinctive, but it's so nice to listen to. You'd probably like him. We ended up exchanging numbers to make working on projects easier. I guess I should answer the text he sent me earlier. It's been a few hours. What should I tell him? I'll probably just say that I fell asleep or something. It wouldn't really be a lie, I did take a nap when I got home from school. I mean, that was after I got his text but he doesn't need to know that. I’m not sure why I’m trying to avoid it. It’s not like he's done anything. It’s just been so hard to talk to people ever since you left. Everyone looks at me weird. No one knows what to say. At least I don’t have to worry about that with Donghyuck. He doesn’t know anything that happened that year. No awkward questions, no awkward silences or pauses, no badly concealed looks of pity. That'll be a relief at least.

The closer it gets to the weekend, the more nervous I am about meeting up with everyone. It’s been over a year since I talked to any of them. It’s not like they didn’t try to talk to me or come see me. I just wouldn’t let them. Things are a little different with Jaemin since he was in the hospital so much. And Mark was so busy last year that he didn’t have a lot of time to hang out anyway. I guess it’s Chenle that I’m most worried about. There’s only one reason why I wouldn’t see him or talk to him and we all know exactly what it is. Maybe he’ll understand, though. After all, he was really close to you too. Maybe I’m just overthinking this again. Besides, it’s not like he’s gonna talk about it in front of Jisung. I can't help it, though. Every time I think about them I just start feeling so guilty about cutting them off like that, as if I was the only one hurting. You were like a big brother to Chenle. He was hurting just as much as I was. But instead of being able to go to one of the only people who would be able to understand what he was going though, instead of being able to go to one of his best friends, he got shut out and abandoned because I was too selfish to think about anybody but myself. As if somehow my feelings were more important than what anyone else might feel. And now I'm back, a full year later, and I'm just shoving myself back into their lives as if I'd never left. I don't deserve them. I really don't. I didn't deserve you either. But then, I'm not sure anyone deserved you.

 

Oh, I just remembered. I promised Mark that I’d text him. Well. Mark made Jaemin make me promise that I’d text him, but that’s beside the point. God, why am I so worried about this? There’s literally nothing to worry about. I already know he’s not mad at me. I know that he wants to hear from me. He’s the one who told me to text him, for god’s sake. So why am I still scared? I really don’t want to text him. I should though. He’ll get worried if I don’t and the last thing any of us needs is a worried Mark. He’s already got so many other things stressing him out, he doesn’t need me to make it any worse. And I guess I can text Donghyuck while I’m at it.

I guess that’s everything for tonight. Sorry I rambled on so much. How was your day? The stars look so beautiful tonight. I think of you every time I see them. Are they as beautiful up there as you imagined they would be? Are you up there right now playing in the stardust? I hope so. My grandma used to say that the angels in heaven paint the sky for their loved ones still on earth. I wonder if that's true. Are you painting the sky for us? I miss you so much, Renjun. I'm trying so hard to be brave, but it still hurts so bad. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I can't even breathe. I miss you. I miss watching the stars with you. I miss texting you until we both fell asleep. I miss sneaking you into my room in the middle of the night and curling up together on my bed. I miss waking up early to help you sneak back out of my room so your family wouldn't notice you'd left. I miss it all. I wish you were here. But I guess that's pretty selfish, too. You're happier now than you ever were here. You're not hurting anymore. That's all that really matters.

Goodnight, my angel.

\- Jeno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The spell check on my laptop doesn't think that Donghyuck is a word, but the only alternative it has is Buckingham. Also, my cats are firmly convinced that petting them is far more important than getting any writing done.
> 
> Thank you guys so much for all the positive feedback so far! I'm honestly amazed that people like this.


	4. September 7th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Is letting yourself get hit by a car to avoid a situation you don’t want to confront an overreaction?"

Hey again.

It's raining so heavily today. I understand what you meant when you said that the rain was soothing. It's beautiful. I'd never realized before. I didn't think that rain could be anything other than sad, but now I see it. Now I understand. Now I wish it would never stop. Donghyuck likes the rain too. He told me during class. It's different with him though. It's happier. Everything about Donghyuck is happy. He's like a physical embodiment of the sun itself. A really sarcastic, hot headed, prank loving physical embodiment of the sun. It’s honestly a little annoying. But it’s… kind of endearing, too. It’s weird.

Oh! I still have to tell you how texting Mark and Donghyuck went last night. Mark was really happy to hear from me. Of course he was. I shouldn’t have expected anything different, I guess. We didn't really talk about anything in particular. Mostly school and things like that. The usual kind of conversation you have with someone you haven’t really spoken more than a few words to in over a year. He brought up the dance team. I guess I should’ve expected that too. He thinks it'd be good for me to get back into it. I promised him that I'd think about it. I'm still not really sure what I should do. I guess it can't really hurt to join. It just brings up so many memories. So many people there know about me. About you. About us. It hurts to even think about. It was nice to actually talk to Mark again, though. I hadn’t realized how much I missed him. It wasn’t as awkward as I though it would be.

Talking to Donghyuck was surprisingly nice too. I figured we’d just exchange hellos, maybe have a short conversation about school shit, and then only text each other for projects or homework, but we’ve actually talked a lot last night. I don’t even remember what half of it was about. It was weird. It’s been so long since I had a conversation like that with someone. Not since you. It was mostly all stupid shit, but I accidentally brought up Dad and things got sort of weird for a little while. I guess he’s got some kind of family issues too. Apparently Chenle’s new friend Jisung is Donghyuck’s little brother. I guess that explains why Chenle had never met him before.

Speaking of Jisung! Tomorrow is Saturday aka the day when we’re all going to hang out aka the day when I may or may not kill myself to avoid having to see my friends. Is that extreme? That’s a little extreme. I’m really freaking out about seeing them, though. I know it’s gonna be fine but I just keep seeing them getting mad at me for how I’ve been the past year. The worst part is that I wouldn’t even be able to blame them. This is entirely my own fault. Is letting yourself get hit by a car to avoid a situation you don’t want to confront an overreaction? Probably. Donghyuck says it is. And if Donghyuck is saying that it’s an overreaction then it’s definitely an overreaction because Donghyuck overreacts to, like, everything. I’m texting him by the way. It’s weirdly calming.

Dad still isn’t home. Mom still hasn’t mentioned him at all, but I can feel how tense she is. It feels like everything is falling apart, Renjun. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll ask Mark tomorrow. Should I invite Donghyuck to come with us? It’s weird, but I think I’d feel a little better if he was there too. I’ll ask Mark and Jaemin first, though. I should ask Chenle too. This was his idea, after all. It feels so weird to message him after all this time. But I guess you’ve gotta start somewhere.

I guess that’s everything tonight. How was your day? Are you happy that it’s raining? Does it even rain in heaven? I hope that it does, for your sake.

Goodnight, my angel.

\- Jeno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took me so long. I've been in a really bad spot physically and mentally the past week so I haven't been able to get a lot of work done. I'm hoping to finish at least two or three chapters a week from here on, but we'll see what happens.
> 
> For clarity: Jeno, Donghyuck, and Jaemin are seniors in high school. Chenle is a junior, and Jisung is a sophomore. Mark is a college freshman. The rest of NCT are all in college. Renjun's death took place at the end of their sophomore year of high school.


	5. September 8th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Nothing eases the “you all but ignored all of us for a full year” tension like two lovable sarcastic assholes who know nothing about your Tragic Backstory™."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second chapter I'm posting today, so please make sure you've read the previous chapter.

Oh my god, Renjun. It’s been? such a weird day? Everyone met up today and it went really well for the most part but I feel really weird about it anyway and I’m? so confused. I also feel like an idiot and part of me never wants to show my face again so there’s that.

Okay. Let me start from the beginning. I texted Mark, Jaemin, and Chenle last night to ask if it was okay with them if Donghyuck came with us and they were all cool with it. Chenle said he talked to Jisung and that he was okay with it too, so I asked Donghyuck at like 4:00 in the fucking morning if he wanted to come and he said okay. So I told the others he said yes and Chenle said “that’s great” and Jaemin just said “okay” and Mark told me to go to sleep. I probably should’ve seen that coming. So I said goodnight to them and texted Donghyuck for a little longer and then actually went to sleep.

I was so panicky when I woke up this morning I could barely breathe and I swear to god Donghyuck must be telepathic because he texted me asking if he could call. That was Weird Thing™ number one. I said yes for some fucking reason and we ended up talking the entire time both of us were getting ready and I actually? felt better while I was talking to him? That was Weird Thing™ number two. Apparently Donghyuck and Jisung actually live really nearby. Don’t ask me how that came up because I honestly have no idea. But anyway, we figured out that we live in the same neighborhood and Donghyuck suggested that we walk together. Once again, I agreed for some fucking reason that I can’t explain. So me and Donghyuck walk to the park together. Jisung had a sleepover with Chenle last night so he wasn’t there. I guess that explains how Chenle talked to him so fast last night but that’s not important. What is important is that Donghyuck was really quiet, like, the entire way there. Weird Thing™ number three. I ended up asking him if he was okay and he just kinda brushed it off. I told him he didn’t have to come if he was uncomfortable and he said that that wasn’t it, he’d just had a weird night. I apologized _for some fucking reason_ (classic Genius Jeno™), and he just said it wasn’t my fault and that I shouldn’t worry about him. Then we just kinda stayed quiet. Weird Thing™ number four.

We finally got to the park and Mark was already there, of course. Jaemin showed up a few minutes later, and Chenle and Jisung showed up right after that. Donghyuck sort of perked up once we got to the park. I’m not sure if it was just an act or not. I won’t count that as a Weird Thing™ because it’s not _that_ weird, but still. A little weird. Anyway, we all talked for a while and it was really awkward at first but then we all kinda settled down and got a little more comfortable. I think a lot of that was Jisung and Donghyuck. I mean, they’re both funny on their own but they’re absolutely hysterical when they’re together. Nothing eases the “you all but ignored all of us for a full year” tension like two lovable sarcastic assholes who know nothing about your Tragic Backstory™. So we stayed at the park and just talked and goofed off for like almost two hours then Jaemin suggested that we go get something to eat. Mark suggested barbecue. I swear to god, Jisung and Donghyuck both tensed up, like, instantly. Then Donghyuck suggested we just get some ice cream instead and everyone ended up agreeing. He seemed to go back to normal at that point, and Jisung was a lot less tense too but he still looked a little shaken. Weird Thing™ number five. That’s the one I really don’t have an explanation for. Like, everything else was just a little bit weird and had a lot of obvious possible explanations but this was just _weird_. I kinda want to ask Donghyuck about it but I don’t want to be weird. I mean, it’s not really any of my business. How would you even throw that into a conversation in a non-weird way? “Hey by the way, why did you and your brother freak out so bad when Mark suggested we go eat barbecue?”

Anyway, we got our ice cream and Jisung seemed to go back to normal. Donghyuck watched him really closely for a few minutes. He tried to be subtle about it but I kept catching him staring at Jisung with a weird look on his face, like he was worried about something. I wondered if it was because of the barbecue thing, but he only started doing it after we got the ice cream and Jisung was just messing around with Chenle. Weird Thing™ number six. We hung out for a little while longer after we all finished our ice cream but then Mark had to go because he had some kind of study date or something. Jaemin left too because he had a doctor’s appointment in a few hours and his mom wanted him home early enough that they could go to the store before the appointment. Then Chenle said he wanted to take Jisung to the arcade. He asked if we wanted to go too, but I said that I was gonna just take a walk and Donghyuck asked if he could come with me. That was another slightly weird thing that isn’t quite weird enough to count as a Weird Thing™.

So I said yes again for some fucking reason and we just walked around town together for a while. We talked about a lot of random stuff but we also spent a lot of it just walking in silence. But it was like? the weirdly comfortable kind of silence. I don’t really know how but somehow we ended up outside the cemetery and I did another classic Genius Jeno™ thing and just. stopped. I guess I zoned out for a minute but finally Donghyuck got my attention and he was kinda looking at me like I had five heads. Honestly, I can’t blame him. Like what the fuck, Jeno? Randomly stopping outside of a cemetery and staring at it blankly for a solid minute is not exactly something normal people do. Anyway, I got really scared that he was gonna ask me what happened but he just asked if I was okay and I? started crying? Because that’s a good response to being asked if you’re okay. So now I’m crying and I'm mortified and Donghyuck looks terrified and is just kinda standing there frozen (because what the hell are you supposed to do in that situation?). I finally managed to stop crying and we just stood there for a minute and then I said we should go home and Donghyuck just kinda nodded and neither of us said anything the entire way back. We said really awkward goodbyes when we reached Donghyuck’s street.

And that’s it. That was my day. Dad was back for a few minutes this morning. I didn’t see him, but I heard him talking downstairs. He sounded mad about something. He was gone again by the time I came down and he’s still not here. Mom hasn’t mentioned it and I wouldn’t know how to bring it up if I wanted to. And I’m really not sure I want to.

How was your day? I hope it wasn’t as weird as mine. The weather was really nice today. I hope it was nice up there too. I still want to know if heaven has weather at all. Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it’s just nice all the time. What even constitutes nice? Anyway. Maybe you're sick of hearing this but I miss you. I miss you so damn much.

Goodnight, my angel.

\- Jeno


	6. September 10th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Nothing says “casual, friendly conversation” like crippling anxiety, depression, and unending feelings of guilt over something that literally no one is even upset over."

Hey again.

Donghyuck wasn’t in class today and I’m? really starting to worry about him. I Jaemin hasn’t seen him either, and I messaged Chenle who said that Jisung isn’t in school either? I texted Donghyuck and he hasn’t answered yet. Chenle said that Jisung wasn’t answering any messages either. I just? I feel like something bad happened and I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should walk to their house? God, how creepy is that? “Hey, Donghyuck. You weren’t in school today and you haven’t answered any of my messages so I came to your house to see if you’re okay even though we’ve only known each other for a week.” I don’t even know which house is theirs. What am I gonna do, knock on every door on the street and ask if Donghyuck lives there? Cause that’s not weird at all. I just can’t help but feel like something’s wrong. I don’t know what to do, Renjun. I know you told me I should always trust my instincts but right now my instincts are telling me to walk down Donghyuck's street and try to figure out if he’s okay and that has major stalker vibes.

It’s raining again today. Mark’s been complaining about it. Apparently one of his friends’ friends has some kind of sports thing that the rain keeps messing with? And his friends have been complaining to him about their friend complaining so he’s complaining to us. And now I’m complaining to you. Honestly, I don’t really mind it. Complaining about his friends and the rain has kept him from asking me about the dance team or how I’m feeling, so I’ll take it. It still feels kinda weird to be talking to everyone again. I mean it feels great but like. It’s been so long. Plus I still get random waves of guilt over ignoring all of them for a year so that’s not really helping. Nothing says “casual, friendly conversation” like crippling anxiety, depression, and unending feelings of guilt over something that literally no one is even upset over. They've been really cool, though. We haven’t talked about you or what happened last year yet but honestly, I’m just as happy that way. I mean, we’ll probably talk about it eventually but I don’t think any of us are ready for that conversation yet. I'm not really looking forward to it. The counselors said I'd feel better if I tried talking about it with someone. Maybe they're right, maybe they're not. All I really know is that that's not a conversation I'm ready to have yet. Maybe not for a long time.

Speaking of Mr. Kim! I had another session with him today. He's as full as shit as ever, so nothing's changed there. He asked about school and how that's been going. I told him about Jaemin, Mark, and Chenle and he said "Making efforts to reconnect is an important part of recovery." What the fuck? I mean he's not wrong but? Seriously? I feel like I'm reporting data on a science lab experiment whenever I try to tell him anything. And he said he was "pleased to see [me] stop being so antisocial" when I told him about meeting Donghyuck and Jisung. I have honestly never wanted to punch a man more than I want to punch him. 

I think Dad’s home? Oh. Oh yeah. He’s definitely home. I can hear him yelling at Mom already. It’s gonna be a long night, Renjun. Maybe I should ask Jaemin if I can crash with him for the night. Literally anything would be better than this. I’ll text him. I don't want to deal with this tonight. How are people supposed to feel in this situation? Sad? Scared? Angry? I don't know. I just feel tired. And worried about Donghyuck. It still feels so creepy to be worried about him like this. 

I guess there’s not really much else to say. How was your day? Can you see Donghyuck from up there? Do you know if he’s okay? I wonder what you'd think of him. 

Goodnight, my angel.

\- Jeno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god I disappeared for two weeks and this is literally all I have to offer. Sorry guys. I've been dealing with some unexpected family issues, but things should be better now?
> 
> In other news! You may or may not have noticed that this story is now part of a series! I've been thinking about expanding this universe since I first had the idea to write Letters and I finally decided to go through with it. I'm going to wait a little longer before I start posting the second story in the series (I want to get a little further into Letters and I want to actually start writing chapters in advance instead of writing each one the day I post it), but it should be up by the end of this month! The other stories in the series won't be in letter format (although I'll definitely throw in some more quirky/unique/different writing styles) and they'll follow the other members of NCT in their various adventures.


	7. September 11th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Maybe all of this has just been a weird ass dream. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and you'll be next to me and everything will be okay."

Hey again.

Donghyuck wasn't in school again today. Chenle says Jisung wasn't there either. I've texted Donghyuck twice so far. Once to tell him about our music homework and once to ask if he's okay. He hasn't even opened them. I'm so worried about him, Renjun. What is something happened? I don't know why I'm freaking out so much. I wouldn't normally freak out like this. But no one's seen or heard from Donghyuck or Jisung since Saturday night and they were acting kinda weird on Saturday and I? I don't have a good feeling about this. Maybe I'm just going crazy. That's a distinct possibility at this point, all things considered. Maybe this past week has just been some kind of weird dream. Maybe all of this has just been a weird ass dream. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and you'll be next to me and everything will be okay. Maybe.

Maybe not.

 

Mark says that Donghyuck and Jisung are probably fine. Jaemin's a little worried, but he figures that they're probably just sick or something. And Chenle's worried but he's not really talking about it. Or at least, he's not talking to me about it. To be honest, I'm surprised he talks to me about anything at this point. But he's always been like that, I guess. Kind, open, ready to forgive. And I guess of everyone in our group he's the most likely to understand how I feel. How much it hurts. You were always like an older brother to him. It's not like the others don't hurt too. Of course they do. You were special to all of us. You are special to all of us. But it's a little different for us. It's a little different for me. They all know that. Of course they know that. But knowing doesn't mean that they understand. They do their best. I know they do. I know that they care, that they're trying. I know that they don't know what to do. Don't know what to say or how to act around me. We're all trying to carry on like normal, but we all know. We can all feel the tension. We all know that things can never really be normal again.

 

I miss you so much Renjun. It hurts. You know, sometimes I still sit in that big tree outside and almost expect to see you running down the street. That's when it hurts the most, I think. Or when I catch myself turning around to show you something or tell you something, or going to save something to show to you. It's been over a year but I still turn around sometimes and expect to see you behind me. It's so stupid.

I think... I think part of why I'm so worried about Donghyuck is because of that. Because of you. I wish he'd send me a test. Just one message. I wouldn't even care if all he said is that I'm too fucked up and he never wants to talk to me again. Anything. Anything to know that he's okay.

 

God this is pathetic.

I think I need to go to sleep. If I think about this much more I really am going to go crazy.

How was your day? I hope it was good. I hope the stars are kind to you. I hope that you're happy, wherever you are.

 

Can you keep an eye on Donghyuck for me? Make sure that he and Jisung are okay? I think they could use an angel looking after them.

 

Can you even see us from up there?

Is there even an "up there" for you to see us from?

 

Maybe there isn't.

 

Goodnight, my angel.

 - Jeno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while (again) but the good news is that there should actually be regular updates from here forward! Things have sort of settled down in my life and I'm finally feeling a bit better. Plus I've actually got some chapters written ahead now. I'm going to start updating on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings (EST).


	8. September 12th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Okay is overrated, anyway."

Donghyuck was back today. He's got these bruises on his arm and a nasty looking scratch under his eye and he just seemed? kinda off... But he says that he's fine. I asked him where he'd been and he said that he was sick. I sort of got the impression that he wasn't going to say anything else on the subject, so I just let it drop and neither of us has said anything else about it. I guess I can't complain. At least now I know he's okay. Or at least, I know that he's alive and functional enough to be in school and mostly acting like normal. Okay is overrated, anyway.

Dance tryouts are tomorrow. I'm still not sure about it. Jaemin really wants me to do it. Mark does too, but he's backed off about it in the past few days. I asked Donghyuck about it and he thinks I should try to. Then again, it's not like I told him everything that's actually going on. I wonder if that would change his answer. Apparently Donghyuck and Jisung are both going to try out, so at least I'd have a friend there. I'm just... scared. I'm scared of going back there without you. Scared of what they might say. They all know. They all know, Renjun. They're gonna talk about you. They're gonna talk about me, about us. I don't think I can deal with that. God, I wish Jaemin was allowed to join. None of them would ever dare to say anything with him around. They know that he wouldn't let them get away with it. But his doctor wants him to take it easy still, so no sports or dance team. I don't know what to do, Renjun. I'm so scared. I'm just so scared all the time.

In the end I guess nothing has changed. I'm back to being the same pathetic excuse for a human being that I was when you met me. The only thing that's different is that it hurts more this time.

 

Sometimes I wish I'd never met you. I wish I'd never found out what it feels like to love someone with your whole heart, what it feels like to have them love you just as much in return. I wish I'd never found out what it feels like to have all of that ripped away. I wish I'd never found out just how much the words "I'm sorry" can hurt. I'd wish I never found out what your brother looks like when he cries.

But I know if I could turn back time, I'd love you all over again. I wouldn't trade what we had for the whole world.

 

It's such a beautiful night, Renjun. There are so many stars.

It feels like home.

 

Is it beautiful where you are too? I hope so. You deserve that.

Goodnight, my angel.

 - Jeno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Recommendation: listen to All Of The Stars by Ed Sheeran and think about Jeno and Renjun in this story for maximum pain levels
> 
> Angst levels are rising and I wish I could say it'll get better soon but honestly? things are gonna get a lot worse first. I am gonna throw a few fluffy chapters in to try and break it up a little, though.


	9. September 13th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Everything is so much brighter when he's around."

Dance tryouts were today. I wasn't planning on trying out, but I went along to support Donghyuck and Jisung. Looking back on it, I probably should've realized that that wouldn't work out. Especially not after Jaemin decided to come. Donghyuck spent the entire time begging to see me dance. Between him, Jisung, Jaemin, Chenle, Mark, and even Coach Jung asking me, I ended up giving in. If I'm being honest, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I actually had fun? At least a little. Seeing the team again was... weird, to say the least. They all just kept their distance, though. It's probably better that way. I don't want to talk to them. There's nothing any of them could say. I think Donghyuck noticed them being weird. He must have noticed. He didn't say anything about it, if he did. He's incredible like that. He'll pester you about every little thing most of the time, but whenever a truly sensitive subject comes up he won't say a word, even if there's no way that he should know it's a sensitive subject. He still doesn't know about you. I asked the others not to say anything about it to him and they all agreed to let me tell him when I'm ready. When I'm ready. As if I'll ever be ready. Maybe it's stupid not to just tell him, but I just... I kinda like having someone who just treats me... normally. Jaemin and the others try their best, of course, but I can tell they're being careful. I guess I can't blame them. I'd probably be careful around me too if I was them. But it's nice having someone who never looks at me with pity, someone who doesn't tiptoe around me like I might break. Maybe it's an insult to Donghyuck to think that he'd change the way that he treats me but at the same time... how could he not? How could anyone not? Renjun... He's the first thing in my life that's been normal since you left. I'm just... I'm not ready to lose that. I'm not ready to lose someone else.

This wasn't supposed to be a sad letter. I'm sorry.

 

Donghyuck and Jisung are? really good dancers? I swear, I could've watched Donghyuck dance for hours. He's incredible. Just watching him, you can feel how much he loves dancing, how much he works at it. It feels magical. You would've loved him. He reminds me so much of you sometimes, with things he says or does. You two could've been twin terrors. Or maybe you'd have been more like Tom and Jerry. Maybe you'd have been both, play fighting like tiger cubs one minute and then ganging up on Mark in terrifying synchronization the next. I'd love to see that. You'd like Jisung, too. They're both a lot of fun. I think having them around is helping all of us feel better. It's like finally opening in a window in a room that's been sealed shut for too long. 

Watching them today... it made me miss dancing. I wanted to dance. I haven't done it in so long. Not since you left. I haven't even watched choreography videos. It's not as fun anymore. Nothing is. I'm surprised I didn't mess up my audition. Maybe it's just because Donghyuck was there. I think he might be my new good luck charm. Or maybe it was you, watching over me.

I thought I'd hate going back there. I mean it definitely wasn't my favorite thing I've ever done but? it wasn't as bad as I was afraid of. At least, not when Donghyuck was with me. He left for a while right before tryouts started and waiting for him to come back was? honestly a nightmare? but once he was there I actually felt okay. I actually had fun. Everything is so much brighter when he's around. He really is like my own personal sun. And even when he's sad, he's still so bright and warm. I genuinely have no idea what I'd do without him. It's a little scary.

 

The moon is beautiful tonight. It looks so big. Can you see it too? Is it as beautiful up there are it is down here? I really hope so. You deserve it. You deserve all the most beautiful things in the world and more. You always have. I'm sorry that I couldn't give them to you. 

 

Is it selfish that I want to see you? I want to see you so bad. I want you here, next to me again. I want to feel you, touch you. I want to lie here with you and run my fingers through your hair and kiss you until we both fall asleep. I want to wake up and see you next to me, with the morning sunlight dancing across your face. I want to wake up and feel your warmth beside me. It's so cold in this room now, Renjun. I feel so cold.

Why is everything so cold?

 

I guess I should say goodnight, now. I'm not really sure what else to say. I'm sorry that these letters keep coming out so depressing. I don't want you to feel bad. You should be happy. After everything that you went through, you deserve to finally feel happy. 

Goodnight, my angel. Rest well.

 - Jeno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took way longer than I expected it to. Sorry for the long wait, guys. Things should hopefully be back to normal now? We'll see ^^"
> 
> Leave a comment if you liked it? Reading what you guys have to say helps me a lot. Thanks for reading!


	10. September 16th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I really need to change my default “walk around town” route.

Donghyuck hugged me today? I’m?

Okay. Hold on. I need to stop freaking out and just explain.

So. Donghyuck and I ended up hanging out today, because it’s Sunday and neither of us had anything else to do. Jaemin was going to come to but his mom decided on a last-minute shopping trip that she apparently desperately needed him to come along for. You know how she is. So it was just me and Donghyuck. Which really shouldn't sound like a big deal but somehow it does? Anyway. We mostly just walked around a lot. I brought him to the river. But that’s skipping ahead too far. A lot happened before that. That was like. The last thing we did. I thought about just hanging out at home but it reminded me to much of you. Donghyuck would definitely want to climb the tree out front and I? am definitely not ready for that yet. I’d probably start crying and I really don’t want to start randomly crying in front of Donghyuck again. Once was plenty.

Speaking of that, I told him about you today. Sort of. Not exactly. We passed the cemetery again while we were walking (I really need to change my default “walk around town” route. This can’t keep happening.) and I got really quiet again because of course I started thinking about you again so he asked me if I was okay. I didn’t actually cry this time! I came really close, but still. So I told him that I’d “recently lost someone who was very important to me.” Which is a really shitty explanation and he’d probably already figured that out on his own but whatever. It’s the first time I’ve ever actually admitted it out loud. That you’re gone. Mr. Kim would probably have some stupid comment to make about progress and accepting the truth or something like that.

That’s when Donghyuck hugged me, though. I did cry a little then, but I don’t think he noticed. Maybe he did. If he did he didn’t say anything about it. Actually, he didn’t say anything else about any of it. Which is good, because I don’t particularly want to end any more hangouts with me awkwardly sobbing on the street. People were already staring at us as it was. I wonder what they were thinking. It's weird to realize that most, if not all, of them know about you. It feels like something so private and personal and then I suddenly remember that everyone in this god forsaken town knows what happened and they're all staring at me because of it. Because of you. Because they all want to stop and look at the kid who's best friend committed suicide, the kid who didn't go to school last year because he was in and out of the hospital all the time. I hate them. I hate every single one of them. 

We went to the arcade after that. It was surprisingly quiet. I guess everyone’s got better things to do on a Sunday evening. It was kinda nice having the place almost to ourselves, though. It felt like we were in our own little world. It’s been a long time since I went to the arcade. I’ll have to go with the others sometime. Maybe on Mark’s next free day. I miss having over exaggerated DDR competitions with Jaemin.

It was getting pretty dark when we finally left but I took him to the river then. It’s mostly on the way home anyway, and I just suddenly really wanted him to see it. He was as fascinated with it as you always were. I’d hoped he would be. It was sort of bitter sweet, taking him there. I felt really happy having him there with me but at the same time… that’d always been our spot. At first it almost felt like I was betraying you. That’s stupid, though. I know that you don’t mind. You wouldn’t have minded even if you were still here. And it’s not like I’m erasing the memories we have there. I’m just making new, different memories. You taught me that.

 

I’m just? still really kinda freaking out that Donghyuck hugged me? He hugged me. He hugged me and oh my god, Renjun, he honestly feels as warm as he seems. How can someone so hyper be so soothing to be around? How is it that every time I'm with him I feel like everything's going to be okay? I mean I know I joke about him having magic powers but it's actually really weird. It reminds me of how I always felt with you. I'm not sure how to feel about it.

I think that’s the first time since your funeral that I’ve let someone hug me. Who was it that hugged me then? It must’ve been Chenle. I can barely even remember it. It’s so clear and distinct in my mind but it’s all so hazy and disjointed at the same time. It's not a pleasant feeling. 

 

Dad's back home again. I honestly feel kinda scared. It's not like he's done anything. They haven't even fought again. I can feel the tension, though. Mom seems to just be pretending that he doesn't exist. I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse. Dad still hasn't spoken to me. He won't even acknowledge me. Is it bad that it doesn't even bother me at this point? Honestly, I almost wish that he hadn't come back. At least then I pretty much knew what to expect. Now I have no idea. 

Honestly, I feel like it's my fault. He was fine until you died. No. He was fine until I was hospitalized. That's when he really started acting weird. I didn't really notice it at the time but looking back it's so obvious. And I know you'd yell at me not to blame myself because I can't control other people's feelings or actions, but how can I not blame myself? None of this would be happening if I was just. better. Chenle was super close to you too. He was like your little brother. He never tried to follow you, never needed to be hospitalized. And he didn't even have his family with him then. What's my excuse?

 

Sorry, Renjun. This wasn't supposed to get dark. I guess Dad being back is messing with me more than I thought it was. I'll say goodnight, now. There's not really much left to say. At least, not anything that's worth saying.

So goodnight, my angel. Sleep well, wherever you are.

 - Jeno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every time I think things will finally get back to normal something else crazy happens. Oh well. Sorry for the wait, guys.


End file.
